December 16, 2009

some serious honesty.

Our time together as a commune/family of boomerang children is drawing to a close, and boy is that a pile of mixed emotions. It has been both weird and comfortable, but I will say this: I can't, CAN'T wait to no longer be living out of boxes, digging for spices and books of poetry in the basement, and wondering if my most comfy slouchy boots are lost forever or just lost in an unmarked box.

One unusual, unexpected angle has been living with the in-laws as the news and early stages of the first grandbaby have begun trickling in, long-distance. Everyone is excited, and maybe I'm a little relieved to not be going first, but the in-laws are definitely sad that this event is mostly taking place 1,200 miles away.

Now, my personal list of reasons/fears/hesitations when it comes to parenthood is long and multifaceted. And the worst is knowing that if and when I ever want to have a baby, I won't get to share that with my mother. I don't know how she dealt with all the tiny ups and downs of pregnancy, what kind of babies my brothers and I were, or what advice she would have given me- and chances are my dad could recall a smattering of these.

I'm so, so glad my sister-in-law is taking the plunge first, mostly because I know she'll be a fun and amazing mother. And even though her mom can only hear her through the phone instead of watching her change day to day, at least the phone connects them. For me, the joy and the grief come tightly hand in hand.


  1. Awwww, Anna. Hug for you.

  2. Anna, I have rewritten this comment easily 3 times.
    But what I want to say is that it's a scary place to go under any circumstance. And that in my limited and mostly opposite experience (I, who lost my father who was distant from me anyway) I see my father's life continue in the life of my daughter. It makes me sad that she will never know him, even though I cannot explain how she would know him even if he was still alive.
    In lieu of another rewrite I will publish this and say that I'm thinking of you.

  3. I know it isn't the same, not even a little bit, but you are always welcome to borrow my mom for that stuff. Not only does she love you like a daughter and would be happy to share her own experiences with you, she was around when your mom was going through all that :)

  4. Hi Anners. I miss you. I hope you find your comfy boots. They are essential. Crazy that Merva is pregnant, huh? But, yes, she will be a great Mom. And I know I have thought/said this before, but, I think you will be a great Mom. You will make crazy cool things out of yarn and I bet your kids will get lots of thoughtful and loving notes from you as they grow :)

    I am sorry you won't get to share the experiences of pregnancy and kids with your Mom. Love you.

  5. Sorry for your sorrow.

    "If and when..."--I like this lack of assumption.